keep.your.smile

Ah Rie Beau

Vendredi 13 février 2009 à 23:29

J'ai dix huit ans, et pourtant.
L'âge n'est qu'un chiffre comme je l'ai toujours dit. Néanmoins, plus les années passent, plus ce chiffre prend une importance qu'on ne s'imaginait même pas. L'importance de nous presser, de nous rappeller que malgré toutes ces années, rien n'a été fait.
J'ai dix huit ans, et pourtant.
J'ai l'impression que ces dix huit années ne m'ont servies à rien, strictement à rien. Peut-être est-ce parce que j'ai passé plus de temps à regarder devant moi que derrière moi. Peut-être qu'à force d'avoir peur de l'avenir, j'ai fini par me faire bouffer par le présent.
Et pourtant.
J'ai passé de longs moments à me ressasser le passé, à chercher un sens à toutes ces choses qui me sont arrivées. Un sens à tout ce que j'ai fais, dis, pas fais et pas dis. Qu'importe.

J'ai toujours cru que ceux qui me disaient qu'il était temps de me tourner vers l'avenir me connaissait vraiment. Mais je me rend compte que finalement ils ne me connaissaient que trop peu. Je ne peux le leur reprocher puisque je pensais comme eux. Désormais je sais où se situe la vérité. Toutes ces remises en questions que j'ai faites n'étaient que superficielles bien que je sois allée très loin dans mes réflexions. Très loin oui, peut-être trop ? Peut-être n'avais-je jamais vraiment fait attention à ces détails qui m'apparaissent aujourd'hui comme déterminants.

Depuis quelques temps maintenant, ou plutôt devrais-je dire des mois, je m'analyse. Réellement, profondément et véridiquement. Il est certain que ça change beaucoup de chose de mon quotidien. Ne plus appréhender les choses de la même manière. Ne plus perçevoir son entourage du même oeil. Ne plus décider de la même façon qu'auparavant. Ne plus avoir peur des mêmes choses. Ne plus vivre comme avant, finalement.

Je peux honnêtement dire que j'ai ma vie en main depuis quelques temps, et ce réellement. Non pas que j'ai plus confiance en moi (non, Rome ne s'est pas construit en un jour !), disons plutôt que j'ai su bénéficier de cette séparation. Séparation avec tout ce qui constituait ma vie. Une séparation n'est pas toujours définitive, n'est-ce pas ? En tout cas je me plais à le croire.

Toutefois, ce dont je voulais parler ce soir, c'était des erreurs. Des erreurs qu'on commet, volontairement ou non. Des vraies erreurs en tout cas. Car peut-on réellement dire que ne pas avoir révisé pour son examen d'économie est une erreur ? Est-ce que passer du temps avec ceux que l'on aime au détriment de ceux que l'on pourrait aimer est une erreur ? ... Est-ce qu'avoir peur, est une erreur ?      Oui ?

Alors je suis une erreur. Indéniablement. J'ai peur sans cesse. Du passé, du présent, du futur. De ma vie, de vos vies. De tous ces gens qui m'entourent et de toutes ces choses qui m'arrivent. Mais je dois avouer, que ce qui me fait le plus peur, ce sont ces erreurs que je commet. Toujours les mêmes. C'est ça le pire. Toujours la même. Celle qui fait que je gâche tout. Celle qui fait qu'ensuite je me morfond. Celle dont je n'avais pas réalisé les proportions jusqu'à ce soir. Celle dont je n'avais pas du tout conscience. Mais c'est indéniable, involontaire certes, mais indéniable.

Il ne me reste plus qu'à savoir pourquoi je n'accepte pas qu'on s'attache à moi. Pourquoi je panique quand on me parle de projets d'amoureux. Pourquoi je refuse de devenir amoureuse, amoureuse et faible. L'amour est une faiblesse, certes. Mais là, dans l'état où je suis, de la manière dont j'agis, je suis aussi quelqu'un de faible. Car j'ai beau me plaire à dire que j'aime prendre des risques, je n'ai jamais, ... non jamais, en dix huit années d'existence, accepté d'être aimée par la personne que j'aime.

Dix huit ans. Et pourtant ...



http://keep.your.smile.cowblog.fr/images/charlielesapin2.jpg
 
Par tite vivi le Samedi 14 février 2009 à 16:02
C'est très dur de se laisser aimer. Mais en t'analysant tu y arriveras. J'en suis sure. Aujourd'hui j'me sens prête à me laisser aimer, alors il n'y a pas de raison pour que toi tu n'y arrives pas un de ces jours. On avance tous à des vitesses différentes, et de manières différentes, mais un jour ça sera ton tour de te laisser aimer. J'y crois, et pour deux s'il le faut.
Par moustique/titia le Lundi 23 février 2009 à 19:10
je suis scotchée.
Ne te laisse pas faire. Résiste. Et vis, ma grande, t'as que des possibilités en toi !!!! sois forte!!! :)
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